


The Mind of a True Comedic Genius

by cyberneticNeon



Series: Alpha Timeline: The movovie the gaem the fanfic [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha Timeline (Homestuck), Canonical Character Death, Fluff, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:00:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28494261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyberneticNeon/pseuds/cyberneticNeon
Summary: TT: Dave, are you seriously telling me you bought the rights of one of the largest fantasy series,TT: Probably costing hundreds of millions of dollars,TT: Just so you could make a mediocre Captain Planet joke?TG: yeah pretty muchTG: oh and also i remember you telling me that your future kid is going to really like wizardsTG: so i guess i can dedicate this to them or somethingTG: no biggie
Relationships: Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider & Roxy's Mom | Alpha Rose Lalonde
Series: Alpha Timeline: The movovie the gaem the fanfic [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2087226
Kudos: 12





	The Mind of a True Comedic Genius

tetchyTemptress [TT] began pestering theologysGesamtkunstwerk [TG]  


TT: Dave, what did you do?  
TG: oh shit lalonde  
TG: breaking out the private account  
TG: you sure know how to make a girl feel special  
TT: Speaking of accounts, you really need to change your chumhandle to something different to your botherbatch.  
TT: Which typing this out really shows how similar Pesterchum is to BettyBother.  
TG: damn  
TG: crocker should sue  
TT: I highly doubt that the Batterwitch could find a way to sue an inanimate lotus flower time capsule.  
TG: though i mean if anyone could itd probably be her  
TG: also its not like she can access pesterchum anyways  
TG: were literally the only people who have it  
TG: and it not existing yet cause of the whole majik time capsule thing  
TT: Yes, but we still must connect to the internet to message each other.  
TT: And your chumhandle being as prolific as it is means that it could be obvious landing lights for the proverbial battleship.  
TG: rose if she even finds out about pesterchum  
TG: which she probably wont until it actually releases  
TG: were literally the only ones on here  
TG: our existence is a proverbial fucking lighthouse  
TT: Actually, there are a multitude of chatbots running around filling the void with meaningless conversation as a simple but quite genius distraction.  
TT: I’d rather like to meet whoever coded this, though they presumably aren’t either in this time or place.  
TG: huh  
TG: okay yeah i guess thats a fair point  
TG: i just kinda assumed the whole “youre going to need this” was only talking about the client.  
TG: also what was that  
TG: did whoever programmed this make it so that their note was highlighted in orange like how we found it whenever its quoted?  
TG: cause if so im not sure if thats awesome or stupid but i love it  
TT: Anyways as I was saying earlier,  
TT: Dave, what did you do?  
TG: youre going to have to be more specific  
TT: Your recent purchase of a prevalent movie franchise.  
TG: do you have any idea how little that narrows it down  
TT: Lord of the Rings, Dave.  
TT: You bought Lord of the Rings?  
TT: Really?  
TT: Have you even seen or read Lord of the Rings?  
TG: nope  
TT: Then why?  
TT: Wasn’t your last movie sbajh 41 (nancyho party (the 3) of 10)?  
TT: Wouldn’t your “adaptation” interfere with your current arc?  
TG: eh i was planning on abandoning the nancho party arc anyways  
TG: i can do a sbahj lord of the rings film instead  
TT: So let me get this straight.  
TT: You’ll do three movies about nachos of all things,  
TT: And only one about one of the greatest literary franchises of our time?  
TT: And not just as an adaptation, but a mainline sbahj movie?  
TT: Is it even worth the effort to act surprised?  
TG: nah probably not  
TT: But really Dave, why Lord of the Rings?  
TG: dude im the master of ironies  
TG: you gotta keep them guessing  
TG: one second youre writing 1/4th of geromys epic ballad about doritos locos tacos and the next you decide to throw in some wizards  
TT: What’s the real reason Dave?  
TG: okay so i was taking a really long shower  
TT: Naturally.  
TG: and i was thinking back on captain planet  
TG: you know as you do  
TG: and theyve got those magic rings that youd probably find in a cracker barrel or something  
TG: so i thought that it would be funny to throw that in as a gag during that whole scene where theyre handing out rings like cheap cigars  
TG: or whatever i dont actually know what that even means  
TG: dont smoke kids  
TG: wait i meant like kids shouldnt smoke  
TG: but yeah you also shouldnt smoke kids thats still good advice  
TT: Ahem.  
TG: oh right  
TG: so its like “and five of the rings were sent to the planeteers in order to fight pollution and keep it real about aids”  
TG: and i thought that was really funny  
TG: so i bought the rights to lord of the rings  
TG: and i know it sounds kind of shit just explaining it here  
TG: like i havent come up with a buildup yet or anything  
TG: but contextually i think itd be hilarious  
TG: or like itd at least earn a chuckle  
TT: Dave, are you seriously telling me you bought the rights of one of the largest fantasy series,  
TT: Probably costing hundreds of millions of dollars,  
TT: Just so you could make a mediocre Captain Planet joke?  
TG: yeah pretty much  
TG: oh and also i remember you telling me that your future kid is going to really like wizards  
TG: so i guess i can dedicate this to them or something  
TG: no biggie  
TT: Dave.  
TG: uhhh  
TG: yeah rose?  
TG: im not trying to steal your kid i swear  
TT: That’s not what I was going to say, but now that I think about it...  
TT: The Furthest Ring is quite lovely this time of eon.  
TT: I’m sure you wouldn’t mind a visit.  
TG: oh shit  
TT: Relax Dave, I really do think it’s sweet.  
TT: You’ve already donated the rest of your films to your offspring, it was only a matter of time before you came after mine as well.  
TG: not all of them  
TT: Ahh right.  
TT: sbahj 2.5.3 the sequel the prequal the gaem the movovie the hapening  
TG: yeah  
TG: damn i miss jade  
TT: It hardly feels like so many years have gone by.  
TG: do you know why i called it 2.5.3?  
TT: I assumed it was some kind of ironic statement that I miraculously lacked the context for.  
TT: Ugh, poor choice of words.  
TG: agh yeah  
TG: but moving on  
TG: substitute the numbers for letters alphabetwise  
TT: Oh.  
TG: yeah  
TG: ...  
TG: ...  
TG: so what are our plans tactics wise oh wise leader  
TT: Oh, right, plans.  
TT: Yes, the Batterwitch is still a problem and she’s only becoming more prevalent.  
TT: After she’s infiltrated the market I suspect she’ll attempt to get some kind of hold in the government, that is if she doesn’t have one already.  
TG: uh huh  
TT: You know more about the stock market than I do, so I’d appreciate it if you could do some kind of digging about Crockercorp in that area.  
TT: Also, it seems that Crockercorp has recently acquired Faygo, though I am unsure if that actually means anything substantial.  
TT: As always I’ll need you to plant some subversive material into your next film.  
TT: I know you dislike compromising your “ironic vision” but we both know how important this is. So please, just work on whatever script you have, at least for now.  
TG: not that this hasnt been enlightening but i have to go write the script for sbaghj 42.0 (blaze it)n the wang of gamelon  
TT: ...  
TT: What a title.  
TG: thanks  
TT: Well I suppose you weren’t reading my messages at all, seeing as how I just told you to work on said script.  
TT: Also make sure to-  
TG: yeah yeah subversive metaphors and shit  
TG: rah rah fight the power and all that  
TT: Alright Dave, see you later.  
TT: And don’t forget to change your-  


theologysGesamtkunstwerk [TG] ceased pestering tetchyTemptress [TT]  


TT: ...chumhandle.  
TT: Goddamnit.  


**Author's Note:**

> Okay, but I really do think that the Captain Planet joke is really funny.  
> (also if anyone can think of a better title i need one, this one took me two days and its not even that good)


End file.
